Why is it when someone rejects us that we have such an
innate ability to prove them wrong for their decision? Going from either one
extreme to another: a) wilding out (my younger years) “shit I’m going to show
you what you’re missing out on” to b) practically becoming a stage 5 clinger.
What the fuck?!
I can’t help but feel
that even though that was never my intention my NEED to let them know how much
I cared and loved them pretty much hijacked the logical side of my brain. Even
after a friend told me that I was doing too much. Giving too much attention,
not giving enough space …a part of me would click and say yeah I get it but then
this illogical side would start up with “well…if they knew how much you loved
them…” Yeah, to that side I want to go
ahead and give a big fat fuck you to. I don’t appreciate being made to look slightly
unstable or to have common sense that I’ve always prided myself in having
questioned.
I mean fuck. Delving into perspective I’m fully aware that
it’s not totally my fault. Being told I’m missed, blah blah blah yeah that shit
did not help. All it did was provide a false sense of hope. Am I bitter? Hardly,
but definitely sad… I also recognize what’s going on within them and it’s who I
used to be about two years ago. Shit, this blog’s previous posts shout it out
clearly.
Now, let us go back onto this whole rejection bullshit. This summer I watched as a friend was
completely torn up over an ex-boyfriend. I could see so much pain in her eyes
whenever she’d talk about him. The way she carried herself when speaking about
him showed a person whose self-esteem had been hurt. I never understood it until now. The lack of
response, no closure, etc. is downright awful. It’s also a very selfish thing
to do. The amount of hurt one
experiences can at times been unbearable but the amount of love one still feels
renders the logical part of yourself senseless.
The good? Well recognizing it. Still loving them but for who
they are and letting go of that need to prove them wrong and prove yourself
right instead. That you’re worth so much more, deserve to be treated so much
better, deserve to have that consideration and respect because to be honest,
someone who treats you in that manner clearly does not respect you and possibly
may not love you. I’d rather be free and
know that I loved them and offered my heart then to be miserable and feeling
like my self-esteem has been kicked down.
2013, please be
kind, prosperous, full of growth, full of love (I have so much to give and I
love so hard).
