I'm not sure why a random thought can lead to such thought provoking realizations. Be it from an honest conversation that leaves you with random emotions or just a sudden realization. Hell even a random dream can have the oddest affect on the psyche.
This whole past week has been all of that. An honest conversation that forces you to realize that maybe sometimes, no matter how close you are with someone... your friendship might not be meant to have longevity. That no matter how much you care for a person, sometimes it is for the best to just cut the friendship off. Why? Because happiness of another person isn't for you to decide. (Although sometimes I'm convinced that they're significant other just flat out sucks)
Last night I had the oddest dream. One that bugged me in the strangest way emotionally. I wasn't sure why and I mulled it over for half the day until a thought popped into my mind. I think what I'm most scared of is being in a relationship where the love I have someone isn't returned. I've dealt with a lot of that in the past, a little bit in the current and my usual m.o. is for me to put up a wall...become distant emotionally, eventually physically and then cease to stop caring. I refuse to ever let anyone love me less then I love myself and I've learned that the best love you can have is one that you have for yourself and your well being. So what do you do? I think in my case, I realize that I am unhappy and also realize that the person is losing me. Repairable? Most definitely but is the effort ever made, hardly. So in the end, I end up appreciating what I had and walk away. If this is a pattern it is yet to be determined. I just know that I try my best and if my best isn't good enough then you cut your loses.
Earlier this week I chatted with a good friend...who although loved his significant other realized that just because you have things in common doesn't necessarily make you compatible. The strongest thing I've ever seen someone do is walk away from someone they love and care dearly about because they can't sacrifice their own happiness. I mean honestly, if you're happy it should make your other half happy and vice versa. That said, a relationship takes work and can't function w/o an equal amount of fairness and work put into it.
I guess all I really want is to have a real hug and know that I'm in good hands with someone that loves me.
