Lana del Rey is fucking awesome

My type of music, my type of lyrics..oh and the guy with the James Dean type of look...geezus.

For the Sake of Sanity and Revelations

Why is it when someone rejects us that we have such an innate ability to prove them wrong for their decision? Going from either one extreme to another: a) wilding out (my younger years) “shit I’m going to show you what you’re missing out on” to b) practically becoming a stage 5 clinger. What the fuck?!

 I can’t help but feel that even though that was never my intention my NEED to let them know how much I cared and loved them pretty much hijacked the logical side of my brain. Even after a friend told me that I was doing too much. Giving too much attention, not giving enough space …a part of me would click and say yeah I get it but then this illogical side would start up with “well…if they knew how much you loved them…”  Yeah, to that side I want to go ahead and give a big fat fuck you to.  I don’t appreciate being made to look slightly unstable or to have common sense that I’ve always prided myself in having questioned. 

I mean fuck. Delving into perspective I’m fully aware that it’s not totally my fault. Being told I’m missed, blah blah blah yeah that shit did not help. All it did was provide a false sense of hope. Am I bitter? Hardly, but definitely sad… I also recognize what’s going on within them and it’s who I used to be about two years ago. Shit, this blog’s previous posts shout it out clearly. 

Now, let us go back onto this whole rejection bullshit.  This summer I watched as a friend was completely torn up over an ex-boyfriend. I could see so much pain in her eyes whenever she’d talk about him. The way she carried herself when speaking about him showed a person whose self-esteem had been hurt.  I never understood it until now. The lack of response, no closure, etc. is downright awful. It’s also a very selfish thing to do.  The amount of hurt one experiences can at times been unbearable but the amount of love one still feels renders the logical part of yourself senseless.

The good? Well recognizing it. Still loving them but for who they are and letting go of that need to prove them wrong and prove yourself right instead. That you’re worth so much more, deserve to be treated so much better, deserve to have that consideration and respect because to be honest, someone who treats you in that manner clearly does not respect you and possibly may not love you.  I’d rather be free and know that I loved them and offered my heart then to be miserable and feeling like my self-esteem has been kicked down. 

2013, please be kind, prosperous, full of growth, full of love (I have so much to give and I love so hard).

A little off today...

I'm not sure why a random thought can lead to such thought provoking realizations. Be it from an honest conversation that leaves you with random emotions or just a sudden realization. Hell even a random dream can have the oddest affect on the psyche.

This whole past week has been all of that. An honest conversation that forces you to realize that maybe sometimes, no matter how close you are with someone... your friendship might not be meant to have longevity. That no matter how much you care for a person, sometimes it is for the best to just cut the friendship off. Why? Because happiness of another person isn't for you to decide. (Although sometimes I'm convinced that they're significant other just flat out sucks)

Last night I had the oddest dream. One that bugged me in the strangest way emotionally. I wasn't sure why and I mulled it over for half the day until a thought popped into my mind. I think what I'm most scared of is being in a relationship where the love I have someone isn't returned. I've dealt with a lot of that in the past, a little bit in the current and my usual m.o. is for me to put up a wall...become distant emotionally, eventually physically and then cease to stop caring. I refuse to ever let anyone love me less then I love myself and I've learned that the best love you can have is one that you have for yourself and your well being. So what do you do? I think in my case, I realize that I am unhappy and also realize that the person is losing me. Repairable? Most definitely but is the effort ever made, hardly. So in the end, I end up appreciating what I had and walk away. If this is a pattern it is yet to be determined. I just know that I try my best and if my best isn't good enough then you cut your loses.

Earlier this week I chatted with a good friend...who although loved his significant other realized that just because you have things in common doesn't necessarily make you compatible. The strongest thing I've ever seen someone do is walk away from someone they love and care dearly about because they can't sacrifice their own happiness. I mean honestly, if you're happy it should make your other half happy and vice versa. That said, a relationship takes work and can't function w/o an equal amount of fairness and work put into it.

I guess all I really want is to have a real hug and know that I'm in good hands with someone that loves me.

Effin A.

I've pretty much came to the conclusion that trying to understand the male and female species is like trying to understand advanced quantum physics. I mean seriously. Why is being verbal with someone so hard for people?

Granted, I used to be shy as fuck. I didn't speak up when I should have and it landed me in a very unhappy relationship. Twice. It also left me feeling taken advantage of by friends and once I got tired of it, well fuck that friendship ended shortly after. 

I guess now, my patience is shorter and I've learned how to cut my losses. No matter how much you care for someone (boyfriend, girlfriend or friend). If you honestly don't think the relationship is going to work, more than likely you're right. Call me jaded or whatever but if you feel like you're putting yourself out there more than the other person, then is that really fair to you? If you see little red flags that you learned to recognize waving in your face do you give the relationship the axe or the benefit of the doubt? 

I've gone out of my way more than once for friends and significant others who have never done the same for me. I've also been lucky to find those that have reciprocated the actions. For the most part however I've ended up feeling incredibly drained. I've watched friends I care about go through the same thing, same pattern and also winding up hurt and in the same damn position I was in. 

I guess the main question is...if you're doubting a relationship is that a red flag? If you feel like you're putting yourself out there more - especially emotionally is it worth the risk? 

If it's one thing I've learned from all of my relationships (friends and significant others) no matter how much you love a person; it's best to count your blessings and cut your losses. 

FB and Expectations

After a morning of poking around on my Facebook friend's profiles, I've decided that FB may just have been created to make a mockery of me. I'm having mixed feelings about it at this moment....Page after page of old friends and acquaintances and their "happily married" and "picture perfect families" splashed all over their walls and photo albums.

I am very much aware that my FB profile shows that I am not married, not in a relationship (although I am) and does show that my birthday is right around the corner. I am inching that much more closer to the big 3-0 ( 29 next year) and I have yet to decide what the hell I want to be when I grow up.

Granted, I am a young mom. I have an amazing 8 year old son who I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. He is my light and my reason for living. However, I am reminded by all these faces from my teenage years that my plans weren't exactly this. I wasn't planning on getting married until I was 25, nor having kids until I was at least 27. My life's choices had been set in mental stone: graduate high school, go to college and graduate by the time I was 21, live life by traveling and hopefully meet the person I planned to marry along the way. Get married at 25, etc.

Hell. That sure didn't happen and now as I'm left starring at all the smiling faces of my past with their beautiful children in tow, I can't help but wonder - did I fall behind, fall off track, or refuse to settle? After all, it wasn't that long ago that I was some one's fiancée which ultimately ended up as a broken engagement. I have yet to graduate with my Bachelors degree, although I am nearing that first hurdle. Man, did I do everything backwards! =/

Regardless, I can only feel blessed for having an amazing son who thinks the world of me and vice versa, a wonderful family as support and an awesome boyfriend who treats me just how I should have been treated these past few years...

I do realize where it was that I went off path but I can only appreciate that time frame that involved that. It turned me into a much more appreciative, caring soul and that is something that I know makes me who I am. I can not measure myself against anyone else, nor allow myself to live by someone else's standards if I am to be happy. After all, everyone's story is different and uniquely their own. I just need to remind myself that I'm still writing mine and all of my characters are still being introduced or edited...